Monday, February 26, 2007

Creative ways to commit suicide

No. No beating aroud the side or middle bushes this time. We are going straight to the core of matter at hand. And the matter at hand happens to be the one size fits all sure shot solution to any and all of your problems. No matter which race/ creed/nationality/gender/sexual orientation you belong to, you can always resort to this beautiful solution to all problems, the last remaining crumb of the manna from heaven.

And here are some pretty cool ways to do it in a fashion that will place you firmly either in famedom or in weirddom.

Do try these at home.

Creative way no:1/ The angelisa minerat way.

Contrary to what you have guessed, angelisa minerat is neither the name of a Rastafarian celebrity born to a Jewish father and a Muslim mother nor is it the name the students of Hogwarts have given to Hagrid’s private. Angelisa(beaut name, isn’t it?) is actually a leech like..thing that is rarely found in the humid Andes and never on the rest of the earth. Inorder to commit suicide in the first way, first of all u will have to travel to the Andes, wait around for an angelis to show up and then try to capture it. If you are still alive by then , come back home, and do as prescribed below.

Lower your pants and underpants. Shove the angelis inside your anus. The angelis is a natural born cent percent flesh eater. It will find its way through your liver to lungs and more all the while you will feel extreme physical pain the kind of which even a truckload of LSD wouldn’t do for you. Another advantage is the amount of blood that the angelis manages to squeeze out of your body. You can be dead sure that whoever comes to clean after you is gonna really really clean and remember u for the rest of their lives.

Warning: If you fail to shove the angelis up your lower opening and instead put it inside your mouth, there is a more than fair chance that the angelis would eat your tongue off and then come off since angelis loves our tongues and hates our words. If u do that all u would lose would be your words and not your soul. So, careful while doing this,ok?

Creative way no:2/ The spouse method

This is for those who are married. The rest can either skip this one or keep this for future reference.

Married people eventually get bored with each other. The only question is how long they get along with each other before it starts to get ‘so’. The figures vary. Some last two months and u may not believe me, but some couple do get by well without boring each other up to three whole months! Can u believe it! I’ve seen ‘em man. Yeah, it’s a strange world. I mean three who;e months…!

So as I said, this one is for those who are bored with their respective spouses and are trying to find a way out of this wed/warlock(as every married person is). All u have to do is kill ur spouse, then marry the next one. Eventually u will get bord with the new one and u then kill that one and marry the next one. Do this in a cyclic kinda hang and sure as cindy crawford’s big breasts, u will get bored with this process itself and due do sheer boredom u are gonna find some cute way to end your life, far more creative than anything I can come up with, ‘cause hey, its your life.

I did intend to write in a coupla more creative ways out of around 4000 I have thought up for u guys(straight from my heart with love), but I am having reservations about it now. I am gonna try my luck with the producers of the ‘Saw’ movie franchise. Maybe they will get interested in some of my ‘ways of death’. If that happens, u can catch the rest of the ideas on screen and if it doesn’t, well…if it doesn’t, all I can say is that this blogspot is gonna get weirder and weirder.

Peace! Happy suicide!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Eh... thnxs. But the second one takes long long time.
Either way, when our time comes, there is nothing one can do, i mean... have you seen the movie Final Destination 1, 2 or 3?

THAT is creepy...